Put on your big girl panties or how I began to sympathize with boys.

SERIOUSLY??

I'm cranky because I feel really really really bad. But it makes me a little mad too. Bridgitte (the UNCITRAL director's lovely assistant) had 2 extra tickets to a kick off of the Viennale tonight - a screening of a Jane Fonda movie. She invited me and of course I want to go. Not only do I think very highly of her, but I'd also enjoy going. So, she calls me this afternoon and says she has an extra ticket and do I know anyone who would like to go? I'm sure I could find someone, so - texted V. But I was meeting...we'll call him Sam [names have been changed to protect the guilty]...to get some groceries. So I asked him if he would like to go. Sammy had too much wine last night & is grotesquely hung over (poor Sam!) He says he'll think about it, but he doesn't feel well so if I find someone else to please just take them. OK...fine, I can handle that. After we do our thing, he goes home. Viola skypes me - she would love to go! Thinks it would be fun and I am delighted...a friend who actually wants to go! So I skype Sammy - he was thinking that HE wanted to go because a movie would be just the thing.

Great.

So of course, I feel like a jerk. Why? Because if I were him I know that I would feel totally rejected and let down - especially if I had decided I really would like to go to something like that. I would feel like maybe I wasn't really wanted after all and that I was easily replaced. Which is NOT the case, I just wanted someone to go with me and his answer was largely noncommittal. He's committed to things in the past and not shown up (zoo, dinner, etc.) so the track record is NOT good. But I can't help feeling like a total tool. Part of me says if you want to go, GO dammit. I offered to say that he was going to go, then if he decided not to just to say that he was sick, but he rejected that offer.

So why am I empathizing with boys now? So many of my male friends have groaned at me about women doing stuff like this. Saying "I don't care which restaurant we go to" then getting pissed when they take them to Mexican and they don't want to go. Or saying "I don't care what you do" then getting mad no matter what they do. If I want to do something, I always SAY I want to. I'm typically straightforward like that (bizarrely so).

All of these things combined still do not make me feel like less of a tool. I might be riddled with guilt for some time to come.